Well just when things started smoothing out again, more turbulence. I won’t go into details, because honestly not all of the details are out yet. Basically, my mother has been diagnosed with an illness that will severely hamper and shorten her life. My mother has always been my rock. She stuck up for me when my dad would get pissed. She has always been there for me. I know I am not young anymore, but my mother is still a young woman. She is 52, and I can’t imagine losing her in the next 10 years. What if I don’t have a wife (who isn’t an untrustworthy liar) and a kid by then? It honestly fucking scares me to think about losing my mother. It also pisses me off. To me it proves with finality the non-existence of a divine being. Either that, or if there is a divine being, he/she is a prick and doesn’t care about us. My mom has led a good life, she gets up early every morning to watch a specific bible study, she volunteers, and regardless of the assholes at work being, well, assholes to her CONSTANTLY, she always helps them if she can. I know this is a part of life that everyone has to deal with, it’s just that I didn’t expect it so soon. It makes me think about my own morality. Don’t take it for granted. I regret everytime I hurt my mother when I was growing up as a know it all asshole. If I could I would take it back. I would gladly trade my life for hers, because while she helps and people depend on her, the same can’t be said for me. Don’t waste any time people, don’t let unresolved issues keep you from those you love. Tell these people how much you love them. I know I will be expressing that to my mom, I hope there will be something that can help her. I don’t want to lose my mother. It’s not fair…
Bad News
2010 Movies
So I have spent this morning reading about Movies that are coming out next year. Some have me excited, some make me want to scream, vomit, and rant about why movie studios put millions of dollars in the hands of fools. Give me my choice of a movie to do, a small budget (under 10 million) and I will guarantee a wonderful return. Anyways, wiki 2010 movies and you can see the whole list. Here are my high and low lights. Don’t even get me started about 2011 and beyond.
2010 – Stupid ass Movies
Tooth Fairy – Dwayne Johnson in a crappy kids comedy. Cause The Gameplan was a huge success.
The Wolfman – Just because del Toro is hairy, doesn’t mean he would be a good wolfman.
Death at a Funeral – Movie was awesome, and is only 2 years old. No other version is needed.
MacGruber – You would think that SNL cast members would realize that no one since the Chevy Chase era has made that transition successfully, especially beginning with a SNL Skit-themed movie.
Wall Street 2 – Fuck Shia LaBeouf, he doesn’t belong attached to anything that resembles the movie Wall Street
Prince of Persia – Jake Gyllenhaal as a Persian? He is whiter than I AM!
The Karate Kid – As much as I love Jackie Chan, he is not Pat Morita, and Will Smith’s offspring shouldn’t get roles because of their father. Will is producing. Wish I had “I can do whatever I want” money.
Footloose – This is the equivalent to a veggie burger… no Bacon = no good.
Step Up 3-D – As if another crappy “urban dance movie” is needed, but wait, lets make it 3-D, so that the stereotypes JUMP OFF THE SCREEN!!!
Red Dawn – One of my favorite movies from my youth. It was awesome, and it will now be shit upon. Fuck you.
The Good Movies of 2010
Shutter Island – Scorsese, nuff said.
A Couple of Dicks – Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan as buddy cops, directed by Kevin Smith. Yes please!
Alice in Wonderland – Tim Burton has always fucked up my imagination, I welcome this attempt.
Clash of The Titans – I will love this movie, but there better be a goddamn mechanical owl…
Kick-Ass – Great comic by Mark Millar, movie is a direct representation. Awesome.
Machete – as X has said, “Finally”
Iron Man 2 – I love you Jon Favreau, you are the only one that has not bastardized a Marvel comic to movie transition.
Jonah Hex – Great comic, should translate well.
Predators – Uh, lets see, Robert Rodriguez presents the true sequel to Predator (original) and request that everyone forget the lame ass attempts between. Awesome!
The Expendables – A tribute to over the top late 80’s and early 90’s action films. Starring Sylvester Stallone, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, and Dolph Lundgren. Hell-Fuck-Yeah!
Resident Evil: Afterlife – I love this series. Hate me if you want, but it’s the best video game adaptation ever.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 – Yep, can’t wait.
The Green Hornet – Seth Rogen as a superhero, nice.
Yes there are bound to be surprises, some of my “Shitty movie” choices may turn out great (doubtful), some of my desires may be flops. No one knows, but when I see these names, ideas, scripts, settings, actors, etc. I have a little mini-movie in my head. These are the ones I can see as train-wrecks, and those that I see as great films, or at least entertaining movies. Agree, disagree, etc.
Halloween
As I drove through my normal routine today, I noticed something. Very few Halloween decorations. What the hell?!? I mean seriously, I went to RevCo (CVS) today and they not only had no Halloween aisle, they already had Christmas decorations out. So we skipped Halloween, sailed past Thanksgiving and right into December 25th. First of all, it has been scientifically proven that Christ couldn’t have been born on Dec 25th, strike 1. You are skipping 2 holidays (and yes, they are Holidays, whether your fuckin bank is open or not.) that have deep ties to America and it’s history.
Halloween, All Hallow’s Eve, All Saint’s Eve, Hallowe’en. However you want to say it, I am sick and tired of it being put in the naughty chair by the major religions because some close minded fools decided that it’s an evil day. The history of Halloween proves this wrong. Halloween is associated with Samhain, which is derived from Old Irish and means roughly “summer’s end”. Oooohhh EVIL, EVIL I SAY!!! So basically the psycho groups of hypocrites are claiming what is essentially a harvest festival and changing od the seasons is evil. I am sure a farmer in the 1500s said, “well, its time for Halloween, better go yoke my EVIL oxen to the cart so that I can go thresh some EVIL corn and wheat. I can’t wait to pick my EVIL potatoes.” I mean for fucks sake people.
The festival of Samhain celebrates the end of the “lighter half” of the year and beginning of the “darker half”. Not “darker” as in evil, but dark as in less fucking light, because we have moved away from the sun. Also known as Winter, OOOOHHHHHhh EVIL WINTER!!! Samhain is also sometimes regarded as the “Celtic New Year”. Yes there are elements of a festival of the dead, mainly due to the ancient Celts believing that the border between this world and the Otherworld was the thinnest on Samhain, allowing spirits (both good and bad) to pass through. The family’s ancestors were honored and invited home while harmful spirits were warded away. The tradition of dressing in costumes and masks is believed to be originated for the purpose of warding off harmful spirits. Their purpose was to disguise yourself as a harmful spirit and thus avoid harm, allowing you to continue celebrating with the ill-tempered spirits, none-the-wiser. In Old Scotland teen boys dressed in white with masked, veiled or blackened faces were supposed to be the representations of the spirits. Bonfires played a large part in the towns festivities. Every fire in the town, or what have you, was doused and each home lit their hearth anew from the bonfire. The bones of slaughtered livestock were cast into its flames. Sometimes two bonfires would be built side-by-side, and people and their livestock would walk between them as a cleansing.
The term Halloween, originally spelled Hallowe’en, is shortened from All Hallows’ Even – e’en is a shortening of even, which is a shortening of evening. It is now known as “Eve of” All Saints’ Day, which is November 1st. So what is All Saints’ Day?
Yes, Samhain was mostly practiced by Pagans, which of course the Christian Church register as EVIL. So what did the Church (Catholic of course) do to combat this “EVIL DAY” The Pope moved the Christian holiday (All Saints’ Day) from May 13 to November 1. Therefore turning “All Hallows Eve” into “All Saints’ Eve” way to steal that one Pope!
So, there you have it. A Holiday that was originated by Celts, made popular (goo or bad) by Pagans, was ultimately stolen from all and tried to be adapted to another Christian Holiday. Who sounds like the “evil” one here?
So why are people shunning this day now? I went to a Walmart tonight that had 2 aisles of Halloween stuff, THAT’s IT!
Halloween has always been a favorite of mine. One day a year, you can forget who you are (or aren’t) and just pretend to be something that you like, admire, or enjoy. This year, due to the inclement weather, a large part of my costume didn’t come in. I am now resorting back to last years costume of Silent Bob. My oldest nephew is being Spider-Man, and he chose black suit, which gives me hope. The middle kid, my neice is being Taylor Swift, which makes me shudder. It also makes me want to find a pair of those fuckin Bebop and Rocksteady venetian blinds glasses and just continually interrupt her. Ha! My baby nephew, Corbin, my sweet lil kid, is being a cop. And being Corbin, he is not satisfied with blues, he wants SWAT. I think I might buy him some pepper spray, for full effect. So mostly good costumes, so I ask my sister where she’s takin them and she tells me that she is taking them to a church event. Ugh. So how are you going to bad mouth the holiday and still have a celebration on the day, but call it Fall Festival. You are STILL CELEBRATING HALLOWEEN!!! Mother Fuckers.
This Halloween is very special as two of my friends will be bonding themselves physically, spiritually, and legally through marriage. Congrats to Jeff and Hannah, you are both an inspiration to me to continue lookin for the other half of my soul. Everyone send good vibes to them and I can’t wait to be there!!!
So in conclusion, carve a pumpkin, hang a flag, go all out! It doesn’t matter, but to refuse to acknowledge a Holiday older than Christianity, is bullshit. Give it it’s due. And by god(s) have some fuckin candy for the kids.
#XandCootiesWedding.
Workplace Shake-Up
Well, it’s happened. Something that I never thought. I am getting a new boss. Damn. Not that I don’t like the new boss, or that I was attached to the old boss. The problem is that I have spent 5 years of my 6.2 years at the company working under this woman. I have gotten to the point that I can read her, I know what I can push, I know what I can get away with. Not that I am a bad employee, or I fuck off all day. I am consistantly in the top call takers, I bust out usually 3-5 special projects a week, I make my goals, usually exceed them. Now instead of a manager that knows my worth, and knows to throw me some special projects to give me a break from the monotony of the phone, I have a manager that knows jack shit about me. Yeah, we cut up and shit. Thats because I never thought I would be reporting to him. No he thinks I am the class clown, jokester. Shit. Now he is moving his desk, stating that I distract him too much, that we cut up too much. Fine. Bad news, he is also moving Stephen. This means I am stuck on the other side of the room with Joy, Tammy, David, and 2 empty cubes. Goddamnit!!! My only hope now is to transfer to a job that I don’t want in order to not be a full time phone rep. Fuck. How else can Fate fuck me? I mean really. It’s bad enough that I don’t wanna leave and get a new job because I hate starting over. Now I have to start over in a job that I know completely and to be honest, I am a little burnt out on. Damn. Any suggestions? Until a new choice presents itself I will just plod along, miserable and lonely. Fuck. Not again.
Welcome to Zombieland
I watched Zombieland today, and it has inspired me to blog my Zombie Survival Guide. Not taking credit for that name, because there is a great book by the same name, that everyone should read. Here’s mine. Enjoy. (noting that I do have a family, but for spacial reasons, they are away and they took my dog with them.)
6:00 am – wake up to breaking news that the dead are walking the earth.
6:15 – Put on my fatigue pants, tshirt, sweater (if cold) and duster. Put on my hiking boots with 2 pairs of socks. Grab my pre made disaster bag (fuck yeah, I have one), which includes 50 ft of nylon rope, a butane torch, 2 tshirts in sealed plastic bags, 2 knives, 1 hatchet, 1 blanket, 1 20 x 20 tarp, 2 extra pairs of pants in sealed bags, 6 pairs of socks in sealed plastic bags, 1 rain gear, 1 bottle of scotch (just in case). I would load this bag in my car along with my shotgun, a box of shells, a crowbar, and a pair of bolt cutters. My .357 mag revolver is on my belt.
6:45 – I pull up to Bass Pro Shops. The backpack is put on, the .357 mag’s holster is unbuckled, the crowbar is slipped through the loop in my jacket, bolt cutters slipped through the straps on the bag. With shotgun in hand, and car parked right outside of the door, I break the door glass and make my way upstairs to the guns. On my way I grab a hiking backpack with a frame out of the camping area. I open it and stuff fill the bag with .45 auto, .410 3 shot, and .357 mag ammo boxes, as much as will fit in the backpack. My backpack is turned around in front, the new bag goes on my back. The gun counter gets bypassed, as I can’t break the gun locks. Instead, I go through the back door, take the box marked Springfield Armory 1911 .45 automatic. Then I get outta there. It should not have taken more than 15 minutes. If there are no police outside, I am in the car and gone. If there are police, I would declare right to bear arms, and hopefully get to my car without getting shot.
7:00 am – On the road. I am texting all of my friends finding out who has any idea of a defendable building. Preferably a building with roof access, no more than 3 stories, few windows or doors, and a wide open area around it. After agreeing on the place, I would text a list of what people need to bring. Food, weapons, blankets, clothes, batteries, radios, laptops. These things can be used to communicate and find information until the power grid goes off.
7:30 – 8:00 am – Meet everyone at the safe house. Take inventory of what supplies we have. If needed, send out teams of 4, 2 to stay in a car, 2 to go in the store. Once we are all together, we can monitor the situation while keeping a 2 person watch on the roof. If the government provide a quick response and is working, we will follow what is being suggested. If the bullshit drone of “stay in your homes, it’s under control” further options will be discussed. I personally will be comandeering a large sized boat and making my way to the ocean, hopefully a lady or two will go with me. Hopefully all of the lockes will still be working. Once on the ocean, I will live off of fish, and find an island to live out my days.
There ya go. Of course some plans may have to be altered onthe fly, but you get the jist. Watch Zombieland and come up with your own plan, just because you never know.
Stop paying the death merchants?
I have quit smoking. Not really because I wanted to quit, I got sick. Really sick. H1N1 – that’s swine flu, and an asthma attack, that turned into pneumonia. I went to the Emergency Room and my vitals were so bad that I was instantly admitted. In 15 minutes I had 3 bags going into me via IV. I was honestly close to death. 103.6 degree fever, serverely dehydrated, half of a lung down (both of which are weak from asthma and smoking). All of which was taxing my heart, which is already taxed by my weight and lack of exercise. The Dr told me that 2-3 more days and I would have been dangerously close to death. Awesome, huh? The last thing on my mind was smoking. At this point (sunday night) I had not had a smoke since Wednesday morning. The nurses, or bloodletters as I like to call them, kept trying to put nicotine patches on me. Luckily I was awake enough to stop them. I am not really having bad nicotine cravings, it is more the habit of doing it. Driving is hard, I chainsmoke when I drive. After a meal, just because it feels like a smoke should end the meal.
The truth is I can use the money that I would have spent on smokes (nearly $50 a week), but most importantly my stay at St. Mary’s scared the shit outta me. I laid in that bed, usually alone, and thought about how close I was to dying. I don’t wanna die, I have a lot that I want to do. So I will suffer the headache that I have had for a week and a half in order to keep breathing. I hope I can encourage some of my friends and family to quit next. If you have kids, a spouse, hell even a pet, stop smoking. U need to decide that these people want you around and ultimately you are taking years off your life. Join me in quitting! It is crazy to pay someone to kill you. Yeah I ripped that off from Clerks, fuck off. Try some Chewlies Gum. Noodge!
My friend Jeff wrote a blog last night all from a scene in a Kevin Smith movie. The movie is Clerks 2, the scene is Randal’s explanation that he is taking back “Porch Monkey”. Jeff came to such a profound conclusion about taking back things from shitty past relationships. It is brilliant.
It got me thinking about if there has ever been a movie that had such an affect on me. I have seen A LOT of movies, but 2 that changed my outlook on Religion could be said to have had the biggest affect on me. The first is Dogma, by Mr. Kevin Smith. A story about a Catholic woman who has lost her faith in God. She is tapped by Metatron – the voice of God – (awesomely played by Alan Rickman) to prevent 2 banished angels from being forgiven by a little know Catholic dogma (religious law) and thus being able to return to Heaven, proving God is not infallible, and therefore unmaking existence. Theres angels, demons, a rubber shit monster, muses, and Jay and Silent Bob. The movie itself didnt change my thoughts so much, though I love this movie and the scene where Bethany is in the lake screaming at God still gives me goosebumps. What changed my outlook was the fact that Kevin Smith received death threats from Religious fanatics and was boycotted by Catholics everywhere. Now I will get to the insanity of threatening death on someone for making a movie in a second, but first…
Catholics said this movie shows Catholocism in a bad way. How? Well it points out that Catholicism, one of the oldest forms of Christianity, has kinda plodded through the ages making stupid fucking choices and have never been called on it. So someone shines a light on how your organization has made morally bad choices in wars, doctrine, and Reformation. So instead of using that information to show how you are better, you just boycott it. Which shows that you don’t want this seen because it is saying things about you that you have no excuse for. Not that the movie was made to out Catholicism, quite the contrary. Kevin Smith is a Catholic, was raised a Catholic, and his intent was just to make a funny religious satire. Instead, he got DEATH THREATS! Really? How are you by choice following a God who has handed down 10 rules not to break, one being do not kill, yet you will threaten a man for writing a fucking movie? How can you take a movie so seriously, when as Kevin puts it, “There’s a rubber poop demon in it”? The media storm around this really made me step back and look at religion as a whole. I was not raised religiously. We had a family bible, but I never opened it. It wasn’t until high school when my friend Phil took me to his church. At the time that this movie came out (1999) the church was going through changes. A new pastor was in house and he was fired up to raise a bunch of money to make additions to the church. Here’s my thought now, and I have never gotten a satisfactory answer for this. Why does a church, a place of religious learning, need a full size gym, a sky track, pool tables, 500 sq ft offices, and a hotel? Cause the church I belonged to has all of that. Church and therefore religion is big business anymore. People don’t go to Church to feel good anymore, they go out of habit. To me, that means that the religion is lost. And I wanted no part of it. I have not been to a church service since leaving that church.
The second movie that changed me is a documentary put out in 2008 called Religilous. It was written by and stars Bill Maher (political comedian, pretty funny guy). He interviews people from every major religion. Christianity, Catholicism, Mormons, Muslims, Hasidic Jews, Evangelist, etc. If you have not seen this movie, I will give you fair warning. If you in ANY way doubt your religion, don’t watch, because Mr. Maher proves them all wrong. He proves that a majority of the Christian beliefs are identical to the mythology of Ancient Egypt. So why is Egypt’s beliefs mythology and Christianity is sociably acceptable. If I go around and start praying to Ra the Sun God, people are gonna treat me like I am insane. But praise Jesus and no one bats an eye. No one can know for sure what religion, if any, is the correct one. I think about what happens when Buddhism wins out, all of the Christians are just gonna die while the Buddhist all get continually reborn. See what I mean? And Mr. Maher explains all of this so clearly and definately, that there is no way to dance around the subject. I have had people answer my, How do you know your religion is right?, question by saying “you have to have faith” yeah but what if you are wrong. I mean, say the world had only 3 religions. If in the end #1 ends up being correct, then what the hell hapoens to #s 2&3? By Christian beliefs, if you don’t accept Jesus as your saviour, no Heaven for you. So all of the Amazonian, African, or Aboriginal tribes that no one has ever infiltrated all are just going to automatically burn? What about a toddler that dies? He never said the words, he burns. In a country where you are killed if you practice Christianity, oh well, down into the put with you. See my problem with that? There are too many fucking variables for one religion to be right. Maybe there is no God, Gods, Goddesses, or Messiahs. Maybe nothing happens when you die. That kinda sucks though. We arent on this world long enough, for it to just be over when our heart stops. It makes me think of the guy in The Mummy, who has all of the different religious symbols on many necklaces around his neck at the same time, and when the Mummy approaches him he begins to pray to each one. It saved him, maybe it would work for the rest of us. Until someone can prove to me who is right, I will continue the path that I am on. Be a good person, don’t maliciously fuck anyone over, and don’t kill people. I figure that way, no religion can hold anything against me. Though there is always that little suprise that throws you for a loop (X and Cootie proclaim this is the Goddess of Chaos Eris, seems like a sane explaination), so who knows, maybe all the religions are wrong and the end of the world will be due to a Zombie outbreak.
One can only have faith…
The life and times of a loner
I do not get along with most people. I am more comfortable being alone. Most of the time I don’t even see my parents but once a week, and they live a stones throw away. It isn’t that I don’t like my parents’ company, I just feel disconnected to people. It makes me question my own outlook on relationships, be it a friendship or a romantic relationship. What do I have to offer anyone? The only positive in my life is that I own my house, so I have some place to hideout. I don’t really like going out, I am not a fan of crowds, I have very little desire to meet new people. I can’t see anyone wanting to sit at home and watch movies. I mean I am sure there are women like that out there, but I won’t meet them because of previously discussed issues of not wanting to meet new people. It’s a double edged sword, obviously not one that I can see a way out of.
Fade To Black
Music is failing… The world may be ending in 2012, per the Mayan Calendar, but if you ask me the world lost it’s way in the mid 90’s. Boy bands and teenie boppers ruled the airwaves, MTV decided it would rather run crappy shows filled with booze, sex, and clashing points of view, than the Music Videos that made them a success. So to placate their core audience that wanted to see the music as well as hear it, they made MTV2! Wow, I remember thinking, they play videos all day long. Now, MTV2 has stopped playing videos instead opting to continue with the sterotype flagrant drama shows. I mean really? What Real World were they referring to? Take 7 stangers and put them in a house together. One is a homophobe, one a racist, the sterotypical “thuggy” black guy, a meat head jock, a blonde that loves to party, and a mormon girl whose thighs have never seen the sun yet when she gets talked into a bikini she is smokin hot. Now give them booze and no social interaction, except for bars and clubs. Set to simmer and wait for the fireworks.
REALLY? We lost music in favor of THAT? Awesome. Then the internet boomed and P2P file sharing. Remember when Napster first happened? Boom instantly music at your fingertips! All the CDs that you had loaned and never got back, or that had gotten scratched all to hell were instantly replacable. People that couldnt afford $100 in CDs everymonth, could still stay current. It was glorious! Yeah, most of the pop music was still shitty, but the net opened eyes to thousands of other bands. Then all of a sudden huge artist started coming out against file sharing. Madonna, Pop Princesses, old bands that hadnt put out a new album in 10 years, etc. My view was, fuck them, they should be happy that people want to listen to them. Then Lars stepped to the mic. Uh oh. I am a huge Metallica fan, having purchased all of their albums, some a few times to replace wore out copies. So here is one of my favorite bands’ drummer vocalizing his disgust at the people who were “stealing” their music. Then the rumors started about lawsuits, and how if you downloaded music, you could be sued. The news carried the stories, 20 year old kids being fined thousands of dollars for downloading music! These people were ruining lives of people who just wanted to listen to music. Millionaire artist were suing blue collar people for thousands of dollars. What the fuck?
It is common knowledge that a band makes jack shit on album sales. They are given a stipend for recording the album, but the actual sales of the albums result in very little in royalties. The main reason for a new album, monetarily speaking, is to create hype for a band to go on tour. Touring is where a band makes the most money. Ticket sales, merchandise, etc. So why bitch about a system that allows your music to be spread to a wider audience, thus resulting in more hype for the band? I understand the fact that you may lose some money on royaties, but I would wager that concert attendence has gone up, even though ticket prices have as well.
I remember downloading a song, pressing play on my Kazaa player, and the first 30 seconds of a song playing, before a loud screech of warped sounds came out of the speakers. What the hell was that? A corrupt file, but as I downloaded more, I saw, or rather heard, the same thing more and more. Seems that some record companies or artist reps, whomever, had decided to upload scrambled versions of the songs. Now wait a minute, they are anti-P2P, but they open an account, break the laws they are so adamant about, to upload music that is scrambled half way through. Did they think that people would just stop downloading because of a few messed up songs? Is that what happened? No, all it did was frustrate me personally, and I am sure many others as well.
The result? Well in my eyes, music has been declining badly over the last 9 years or so. Yes, there are still good bands putting out great music, but it never gets exposure. The crap that gets played can barely be called music. Kanye West, no I am not pickin on him because he interrupted a crooked nosed tart who’s voice is so remastered, that the only award she should be attached to is best editing, but I digress. Kanye West, does he even rap/sing through half of his music? All it is is samples with his digitized voice bleating hollow lyrics. The songs that top the charts are usually not even wrote by the performer singing them. Lypsynch on SNL? Many do. Pull a boob out during the Super Bowl? Why not a big meaty cock? Are the “artist” giving up? Have the future song masters decided they would rather play Guitar Hero, than a real guitar, because the buttons hurt less than a set of new strings? (Admittedly, I love RockBand/GuitarHero, but I have a real guitar as well.) Anyone know of a new band, that recently put out a debut album that didn’t suck? My iPhone is filled with over 200 songs, and I would say less than a quarter of those have been released in the last 2 years.
Inspire the young, because if the music trend stays on this path, music will die, and so will the soul.
Rainy Days and Self Exploration
So by the way this Friday is shaping up, it is gonna be Rainy and shitty. When it rains, all I want to do is sleep. It is hard to get motivated to walk out in the clinging drench. This can be a parallel for life I suppose. If anything would take me out of my comfort zone, I immediately balk. I always have. Maybe I wasnt ready to come from the womb, so I associate change with that feeling of abandonmemt.
This leads to a reclusive and submissive life for me. I don’t like to meet new people, always afraid of what they will think of me. This makes it challenging to date. In fact every woman I have dated, I have previously known as friends, friend’s friends, or a previous introduction in a non-dating way. This has OBVIOUSLY not worked in the past. My record is not shining. A failed marriage, multiple long relationships that went no where. I am not afraid of rejection, I am used to being the friend and nothing else. I am afraid of wasting more time with someone that doesnt get me or wants to change me. I like me. If you don’t, then fuck off. You can see how this idealogy limits any prospects of the future.
The same chains hold me back in my career, fuck who am I kidding, I don’t have a career. I work in a job that I loathe, but can’t bring myself to make a change, due to my comfort level. So I trudge along daily, living for the weekend. Not that my weekends are bundles of fun. They have their moments, but mostly it is another example of my self afflicted hermit-ness. I want a job that I am proud of. A job that I don’t muddle through with day dreams of fire.
Hopefully I will be able to overcome my own obstacles, but I don’t hold much hope. I mean, I have had 27 years of self-seperation and anxiety riddled disassociation, so who knows.
