Batman, Sailor and some Apples

Had a grand time Saturday. For the first time in a few months, my cousin came over to hang out. X and Cootie were in house and the Mogwai was asleep with a bum ankle. We started the night out with myself trying to cook something new and delicious in a wheat free world. X has a wheat allergy. My love Haley has a wheat allergy. She gets sniffles and X stops breathing. Two very important people in my life with the same allergy, albeit at varying degrees of severity. So I’ve been trying to help in any way I can. People know this, peanut allergies, milk allergies and pepper allergies don’t hold a candle to living with a wheat allergy. Name your 3 favorite foods.

Ok, now lets say that you said Pizza, beer, Hamburgers, Biscuits and Gravy, Lasagna, cookies, spaghetti, candy bars, thai food, chicken lo mein, or a nice big sandwich.

Now imagine that you can’t eat those things as they come, as they are served by every restaurant and every house in the nation. Wheat is in everything.  It binds things together that you would never think would have wheat in them.

Haley had a pack of SUCKERS. Caution: Contains Wheat. What the fuck for?

I’m a big eater, if you couldn’t tell by my stature… So the pure shock of thinking about not being able to stop at McDonalds and get a burger on the run. To not have a normal birthday cake. So hell yeah, I will go out of my way to try to help in any way I can. So to these ends, I attempted to make some ground chicken sausage balls for a snack.

Yeah, after grinding it up and realizing that chicken doesn’t have the consistency that pork or beef does, I changed mid-stroke and went with a chicken meatloaf. I don’t know if anyone has ever done this before, I’m sure it has. I’m not trying to blaze new paths in food, but I was pretty proud of the finished product. It was moist, but heavy. I needed a little more spices, salt mainly, because I wasn’t sure of the level of salt in the gluten-free cornbread mix that I used. I love cooking though, so I was happy.

By this time, the drinks were flowing and I was missing my girl pretty bad. When we wrapped dinner, poured some more drinks and gathered around the table to introduce Drew to Apples to Apples, I was feeling melancholy. I don’t like being away from Haley. I am madly in love with this woman. I feel empty when she’s not with me. But I was surrounded by people I love and who love me, so I couldn’t complain about the company. After the first round, my face was already hurting from laughing. Drew’s sick mind fit in well in our group and fun was had by all. When we finally called it a night and I retrieved a blanket for Drew to crash on the couch with, I went right to sleep.

I woke up at 10 and immediately got a text from Haley, like she could sense that I was part of the waking world again. It said simply “Good morning! Been up since 545, almost done with laundry. I have homemade waffles waiting for you whenever you get up. Love you!” What a wonderful good morning. I promptly made Drewcifer and myself a cup of coffee and took off to Haley’s. I got greeted with a hug, a kiss and a “I missed you” which fills me with so much joy it’s probably sickening to people that haven’t experienced it.

I haven’t had a good track-record with relationships. I’m not 30 yet (for a couple months) but I’ve already been married and divorced. I am a statistic. Regardless what you’ve seen in the news, Facebook was not to blame for my divorce. I rushed in. I ignored signs that I shouldn’t have. I made a mistake. But it hurt me. It burned me and made me bitter. I’ve swore that I will never marry again since then. I’m not saying that I’m ready for that right at this moment, but when I think about my future, I can’t think about Haley not being in it. I love this woman. She has opened my heart and my eyes. I now know what it’s like to have someone that you truly care about and can expect the same thing from in return. Is she my soulmate? I dunno if I believe in that mumbo-jumbo, but I’m saying this: I’ve let her go once and she came back. I’ll not make that mistake again. It’s 1 o’clock in the morning now.

I am not in bed yet, because I miss the thought of being able to put my arm around her and have her snuggle up to my chest. She’s my lobster.

Have a good rest of the weekend, everyone. I am off for MLK Day and I will spend it doing laundry, playing Batman and missing my girl.

 

Love.

Bigger and Better

So my creative juices got severely dampened by my pseudo-vacation. I didn’t do much except lay around and watch movies and tv. Sure we can blame the pain pills, but the truth is that I felt myself running dry. I began to have moments of writers block that lasted for days. When finally I could create again, I had so much built up that it came pouring out like word diarrhea. I wasn’t happy with much that I did in those times.

So, I changed tactics. I went back to my original love, drawing. I hadn’t put pen-to-paper in a long time aside from tattoo ideas for other people. So I created some things that had been floating in my head for awhile. I also took up a new hobby. I self-taught myself to make chainmail jewelry. What tedious, mind numbing work. But I was proud of that first piece. It was nice to hold something tangible in my hands and think “I made this out of nothing.”

How creationist of me, eh?

The world needs more beauty in it. We are barraged, as a society, by images of war, violence, civil unrest and poverty. Daily I have to suffer through an ASPCA commercial showcasing beaten and neglected animals. The news never shows “feel good” stories anymore. No Zippy, the water skiing squirrel. No puppies or lolcats. No, instead I have to hear someone is being mistreated, another baby was killed by an enraged or deranged parent, the president/congress/state representatives aren’t doing their jobs.

I get it.

We live in a fucked up world. We are too concerned with shiny trinkets, celebrity marriages and what else gives you cancer. People have forgot how to enjoy life. A powerful phrase that I read years ago still sticks with me.

“Life isn’t forever”

That’s right people. You, I, our lived ones, our pets, even that asshole neighbor that let’s his dog shit in your yard are all going to die. Life DOESN’T last forever. There’s only one certainty in life. Death. One day its all over.

I’ll be 30 this year. If the Mayan Doomsayers are wrong, (they are) I will probably live for 40-45 more years. I’m not going to be a 90 year old man. It’s not in my genes. I am overweight, I smoke, I drink, I drive too fast and I don’t wear my seat belt. I’ll be lucky to hit 70. So almost half of my life is over. You know what I have learned recently? I haven’t began to live yet. My life has been relatively normal, but I have always held myself back. I’ve worried about money, I’ve worried about the future. You know that saying “can’t see the forest for the trees”?

That’s me in a nutshell.

So I am saying fuck new years resolutions. I’m making new life resolutions.

1.) Inspire myself and others. It’s too easy to be grumpy and plod along daily. I will take a moment every day and try to make myself or someone else better.

2.) Leave an impact on the world. Now I’m not saying I will discover the cure to a disease or solve a great mystery, but dammit when I die, someone will miss me on more than an emotional level.

3.) Love and be loved. I am blessed to have a beautiful woman in my life who makes me stupid happy. I am going to try my damnedness to keep her. I will strive to never take her for granted.

4.) Don’t sweat the small stuff. Simple enough. Live to the fullest. Don’t let shit drag me down.

So there you have it. Will I succeed every day? Fuck no, I’m only human, but I’m going to try really hard.

So throw all the bad news and 90s folk music-backed puppies you want at me, world. I’m going to weather your storm. I’m going to thrive. I will not let the next 30 years pass as meekly by.

As Wheezy would say, I’m gonna make life my bitch and put my hand up her skirt.

Love.

The winding road of spirit (aka Snake Way)

So at two different points last week I was asked about my religion. The problem is that I can’t answer the age-old question of “what do you believe in?” I was not raised religiously, though we always had a big family Bible. I was never introduced to any outside religions, mainstream or not. I became a Christian in a Lock-In in Pigeon Forge. I became a Christian at a couple of those Lock-Ins. As I got older, I tried to find a girl who would let me touch her tits in a darkened closet. Guess Jesus loses to hormones. I got into a Baptist Church on Asheville Hwy with my friend Phil. His parents and he had been going there for a while and I dug hanging out with the youth group. This was half from a desire to feel good about my own spiritual self and part because the church girls were hot and I had heard that the mission trips were fun (14 kids, 2-4 adults you do the math). So I joined, went through the baptism and I immediately felt like I didn’t belong. I wasn’t raised in the environment. I couldn’t answer the trivia. I got IMMENSELY bored when the service was going on. I felt that the person that was talking to us didn’t really give two shits about who understood their sermon, just that they got through it and got to the Golden Corral before the other churches got all of the smoked ham. Add on top of that the constant barrage of request for prayer, donations, and help. I think at this point I came to my first clarity. If God was infallible and this place was doing “His work” wouldn’t he front the money? I mean if he can blink all of life into existence, why can’t he magic up a couple of hundred thousand dollars for those churches that deserve it. So this thought led me to the next few, which I think is are the true reason that I can not believe that there is a divine being up in a metaphorical or physical city of the clouds. The questions that made me step back from the idea of Christian mythology are this.

If God/Jehovah/Yahweh/Allah/etc is all-powerful and all-knowing, why is there suffering in the world? Why would they make us be able to sin? The answer that I most commonly receive is “It’s all part of God’s plan.” What a bullshit cop-out answer that is. To me that says “I dunno the answer to that question, I myself have asked that and I have never gotten an answer either.” The idea that you are supposed to just take this idea that God is up there and he wants you to follow all of his rules but then turns his back on you when you need help is fuckin bullshit. If that is true, God is a selfish mother fucker. He has a “master plan” and knows where all of his little pawns go to make this plan happen? If the being is all powerful, why wouldn’t he just blink the bad parts out of existence? Why does he HAVE to play shit out to the end of the Bible? He knows he’s gonna win anyway, so why not save his “children” a fuck ton of suffering and make shit better NOW. Why should people have to suffer through Hell on Earth? I think it is sheer negligence. If a person had a child and then knowingly put the child in a situation where they have to “help themselves” or they suffer horrible pain. It’s like setting your child in a ring of fire and saying “I’ll get you out, but you have to thank me for it in advance and swear that you will be completely devoted to me and me alone.”  What a horrible idea. If you have the power to keep your creations from suffering, it’s your responsibility to make sure that they don’t. It is shitty to think that this being could end hunger, cancer, war, poverty, disease, death and pain but instead, he’s sits back and says “Let it play out, I can’t wait for the ending, it’s gonna be fuckin AWESOME!” And please don’t try the “You have to have Faith” argument, George Micheal, because faith itself doesn’t apply here. Christian faith is defined by dictionary.com as the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved. Yes you have faith in the process, but there is NOTHING in the scripture that assures that you won’t have pain, suffering, loss, or need. But because God promises this big payoff, you’re just supposed to fuckin GRIN AND BEAR IT! Why? Why is it this way? If you look at it from an outside perspective, say God is an 8-year-old. He has an ant farm. He is very proud of this ant farm, because he worked very hard to get it to look the way it does. It’s full of ants going about their normal lives, trying to get by, trying to live. Inside a smaller ant farm are 2 red ants. They are his chosen, he really likes them. He wants all of the ants to be just like them. They get everything that their tiny ant hearts ( I dunno if ants have hearts, bear with me) desire. All they have to do is not eat this one little piece of candy in a tucked away corner. When the inquisitive side gets too much, one of them (or both of them) eat the candy. So in turn, the kid says “You all are on your own, because those two red ones over there fucked it up, and so EVERYONE SUFFERS!” What a bad attitude. If we are to accept the Christian Mythology, then all pain and suffering (including child-birth) are the sole responsibility of two people who didn’t want God looking at their naughty bits. That sucks for the rest of us.

The other religions, mainstream or not, have the same basic principles. They are all recycled and shared betwixt each other. Almost all religions have the big three rules that they want their followers to keep (for the most part). Worship of the Divine. Be it God, Goddess, Pan, Mars, Allah, etc, every God wants worship. I don’t deny that if they are real they deserve it. If you are a real divine being and you are able to react change in the world with nary a thought, you deserve worship. But to demand the sacrifice of people’s children, money, virginity, body, life, or anything else is too much. At that point it is not worship. It is barter. The God is telling you that if you do something he will bless you, keep you, reward you, or spare you. All of the mythologies have scenarios of these acts or requests. The Bible has hundreds. The second of the big three is to not worship other Gods. Now this can be kinda tricky in some parts, some religions have two, three, or many multiple Deities, but they also all have stories of jealous Gods punishing followers or people due to some slight or misappropriation of faith. Ah, there’s that word again. In this instance we are looking at faith as the belief itself, not specifically the belief in one sect or idea. All the way back to the Roman and Greek Pantheon, the Gods were jealous of other Gods. That’s one the Christian God’s biggest no, no’s. Remember Charlton Heston throwing the stone tablets down because he left these assholes who had just witnessed miracles, alone for a couple of hours and they’re already dancing to idols. Tisk, Tisk. You know what else this proves? Gods are petty. If a divine being gets his feathers ruffled, he is gonna fuck your day up BAD. The last and to me the most important rule is: Be kind to others / The Golden Rule / The Wiccan Rede, etc, etc. Do what you want as long as you don’t hurt anyone. Treat someone like you would want to be treated. AKA, Don’t be a dick. Don’t do things to hurt people. Help people when you can. Make people’s day better, regardless of how shitty your’s has been. This rule I can get behind. I may not believe in any Gods, but I believe in the mental and emotional capacity of people to love, care, and treat people with respect. If I go through my entire life and I am a good person, I help people, I don’t make people suffer, I let people use me if they need me. If I do all of that and I still don’t go into whatever paradise is at the end, because I didn’t do the right action, say the right words, or hold my foot up long enough while I clucked like a chicken, then FUCK THAT PLACE. I don’t want any part of that.

Please know that I am not beating on anyone’s religion. I honestly wish that I could accept as readily as I did in the past. I want that feeling of “you are here for a reason” as opposed to “you are a genetic fuckin mistake”. Some fish shit in a puddle of water and over the actions of the next 80 Million Years, you evolved into a douchebag that drives 10 miles under the speed limit and listens to Limp Bizkit. I want to be special. I want a perfect body and a matching soul. I will settle for a mediocre existence punctuated by the random bits of real miracles, like a spring day in the mountains, a really great piece of music, or the first boob you grab. What can I say, hormones are still in the lead.

I love you all that read this. May whatever Gods/Goddesses/FSM/etc Bless you. If you don’t believe, but you are a good person and are generally not a dick, than I Bless you myself. I am off to bed. Who knows maybe Alan Rickman will appear in my room and take me out for tequila shots and question answering.

~Scofield~

Happy Birthday

Today is my 28th birthday. I was born on May 25th 1982. I like my birth year, because it makes subtraction easy for when I forget how old I am. I like the day because I share it with a great man. My sister began dating a guy when we lived in South Knoxville. His name was Robby. I was a young impressionable kid. I had never been around an older guy besides my father, grandfathers, uncles, etc. Robby was a big guy. Yes I mean this in a figurative way, he was very overweight. He was also bigger than life. He drove a big ass tank of a car. It had speakers that would rattle the windows of the house. He smiled a lot. He had the most peculiar laugh. More of a titter, a tee hee, but with a giggle. He was in high school at Gatlinburg-Pittman. He was so cool, and I instantly had a “big brother”. I did the annoying little brother thing of trying to hang around all of the time. I know it got on my sisters nerves, but Rob never seemed to mind. At least maybe in my idolizing mind, it just seemed that way. Rob would joke, he would cut up, he would rib me. He was also terrified of my dad and respectful of my mom. He and my sister dated for a long time. They broke up, got back together, and broke up over and over. A typical high school relationship. Unfortunately, it was destined to not work out. Though Rob was around for a long time, they eventually split for good, but stayed in contact and remained good friends. He still loved her, I could tell that later in the years when he would talk about her.

My favorite thing about Rob “The Boyfriend Years” – Rob, was a huge football fan. He knew the entire roster of the New Orleans Saints. It blew my mind that he rooted for a team that he had no connection to. He is the reason I found it ok to root for Alabama in a house full of Tennessee fans. So because he was a Saints fan, I became a Saints fan. I got a roster pack of trading cards. When he showed up one day, I thought “Boy, Rob is gonna think this is cool!” So I pulled out the cards, said, “Hey Rob, check it out. I got these cards, it even has a Bobby Hebert card.” Now when I said this, I said it as HE-BURT, instead of with the appropriate “Nawlins” dialect of AI-BEAR. Rob began to laugh, and I swear it lasted for 30 minutes. From that point on, I was Bert. Like Reynolds or Lancaster. He never called me Mark, Markie, etc. It was always Bert. For those first couple of weeks it was Bert, followed by the tittering laugh.

Rob always battled his weight issue. It eventually got to the point that he was unable to drive and spent a lot of time in his house. I hadn’t stayed in constant contact with him, but we reconnected after I moved up to Pigeon Forge and began working at a hotel. I hung out with him a lot. I talked to him on the phone, he was my family away from family. I would spend entire days at his house, watching TV, messing with people on WebTV chat, smoking, and talking. We talked about all kinds of stuff. We were the “What If…” types of guys. “Dude, wouldn’t it be cool if…”

Rob got his first computer, a Dell. I introduced him to file sharing. We downloaded so much music that first week. We must have went through a 20 pack of CDs. He would laugh at the random movie quotes that I would put in between songs. That was mostly what the computer was used for. Downloading music, mostly old skool R&B, Rap, some Rock, new Hip Hop, and movie quotes. We’d sometimes go out in his SUV. A Chevy Suburban with a 454. He couldn’t drive, but I could. He’d sit in the passenger seat, we’d get it washed, then burn a tank of gas driving around, listening to music, visiting his friends, and such. That truck was a fuckin beast. It had so much power and he loved showing off to people. We’d sit in his house, smoke, bullshit, mess with his cats Druff (A white cat, as in Dandruff) and Sooty (A black cat, as in coal soot) and just be friends. He stopped just being my sister’s ex. He became my friend. He was there for me no matter what.

I went to a party on Ski Mountain. It was my 3 girl friend’s birthdays, all being celebrated together. The first night, my friend Sarah (where do I start) got very drunk. I literally had to watch over her, as there were less than savory guys that were attempting to use this to their advantage. I didn’t drink, just so someone had a level head. Well, technically Stace didn’t drink either, but that’s because she was like 7 months pregnant. The place got DESTROYED. There were fights, naked drunk girls passed out everywhere, the pool balls were thrown into the woods, the hot tub had no water left in it, but some yellowish fluids with shit floating in it. The next night was supposed to be chill, take it down a notch. Next thing you know, this girl who I loved for years and would do anything for is topless in a hot tub making out with a guy that she didn’t know, oblivious to the risk she was taking. I lost it. I couldn’t watch it. I left. It was 4 in the morning, raining, and I was in a Mini-Van. Needless to say I slid most of the way down Ski Mountain. I got into Gatlinburg and thought “Well shit, now what am I gonna do? I can’t go home, it’s too late/early.” (Dad’s rule) I called Rob. “Dude, can I come over, I have had a shitty night and I just need a space to crash for a couple of hours.” 10 mins later, we’re sitting in his living room, smokin a bit, so I would calm down. Rambling about how much I love her and how she couldn’t give a shit about it. How I will always be stuck in the “Friend Zone”. Rob told me, I’ll never forget it, that “Bert, you have to make her realize. You need to tell her. You can’t let that stay like it is, it’ll bother you forever.” He went back to bed and I curled up in his oversized leather recliner and went to sleep. The next day, I didn’t take his advice. Hell, I still haven’t taken his advice. Never did tell her. Too late now, we don’t speak. He was right, of course. As painful as the possibility of rejection is, I wish I would have taken that advice and just told her. For the record, it still does bother me.

When I needed $500 bucks to get an engine for a car, Rob had it. “No problem, Bert, come over after work.” He was a giver. He would do anything for me. I could have asked him for anything and if it was in his power, I have no doubt that he would have done it.

Rob got gastric bypass. He dropped weight like crazy. Unfortunately, he got an infection and on February 22, 2004 Rob passed away. I had moved jobs, and moved houses. I wasn’t in contact with him like I had been. I didn’t even know he was sick. I never got to say goodbye to him. It still bothers me. I have never grieved for him. I think it’s because I never got to tell him thank you for all that he did, so I’ve never wanted to accept it. The way he influenced my life, the great times we had. His sage like advice followed up with a “Shruh Shruh Shruh” and a flutter of the hand. His crazy fuckin neighbor, code-named ”3D or Da Da Dee” for the way that he would trail off and instead of saying “Etcetera” he’d say “Da Da Dee, Da Da Daa” The Burban. The LX Mustang (LX_Tasy). The Cordoba. The cats. His crazy family. His love of my sister. The fact that I don’t think we ever had an argument (outside of him bitchin at me for being mean to Tish when I was younger). I wish I could have had the chance to tell him that he was a great person. I am sorry that he had to go. I don’t know if I believe in any afterlife, but if there is one I hope I get to see him again…

Daniel Robert Ogle would have been 34 today. Happy Birthday, Robby. I miss you.

- Bert

I have never understood why people don’t want to be chosen for Jury Duty. I would love it. I have waited and waited, but as of yet, I have not been chosen. First the Jews, now the Government? When lord, when’s gonna be my time!?! I don’t wanna get chosen for one of those shitty day courts either. I wanna be a juror for this century’s Scopes Trial. I wanna be sequestered (Tell me, did the Ramones start playing in your head? They did in mine) for at least a week. No contact with anyone, media black-out, free room and board, plus PAY! What’s not to love about that? Maybe this all stems from that movie with Pauly Shore…

Y’know what I hate? People who have no idea what they are talking about, but force other people to listen to their inane bullshit. I mean sure, I may ramble, I may even say things wrong. The difference is that you have to come to me. I am not forcing my opinion on you. The people that usually have the most bullshit opinions are ususally the ones that know the least about the subject to. I remember as a child waking up on Sunday morning and all you want is cartoons (this was before The Disney Channel or Cartoon Network kiddies, we had 5 channels and that included PBS). The problem? There’s no fucking cartoons on Sunday. Instead I have to choke down my Cocoa Pebbles while listening to a pinch-faced, walking stroke victim berate people who don’t believe or send money to him. So for a bit of a learned lesson, if someone says “Hi, I am a professional painter, I deal with painting all day, I can tell the different colors of paint by taste alone,” don’t be the asshole that tries to tell them that they are doing it wrong. It makes people hate you. It makes me hate you, which admittedly isn’t hard, but still.

Why in the fuck has this oil spill not been stopped. Like, it boggles my fuckin mind that there is not some sort of fail safe that makes it STOP PUMPING OIL. I mean really? Are the oil companies so cocky that they are like “Our shit is tough, it won’t break.” Now they’re like “Well it broke, so we need possibly 90 days to ‘TRY’ to fix it.” I mean really? That’s a worse exit strategy than Iraq. Look, I am all for drilling in America, I don’t care. I am a consumer, through and through. I don’t give 2 fucks about the world after I die. I don’t and probably will not have a legacy left behind. Drill here, make gas cheap, do it. But have the common sense enough to make a fail safe. I mean this fuckin government MAKES me wear a seatbelt or they fine me, but there isn’t a requirement for oil rig fail safes? I saw a report saying that there are MULTIPLE products designed to prevent this exact thing from happening, but they chose not to use them. Probably cost ratio. Dumb fucks. I hope it gets fixed, I want gas back to a managable price. Plus I like seals and shit. Y’know what my dad uses when oil is on the garage floor?

Someone call Tidy Cat!

So I think I may have a touch of depression. This is completely self diagnostic, but I may be right. I don’t wanna do anything. I would rather just sit somewhere and write, draw, or just stare blankly at the wall. I prefer the company of my dog to the company of people (except for X, Cootie, Drew, My Sister, Ant, and my Mom). I have all kinds of ideas of things I could do, but I have neither the means, nor the drive to accomplish them. It sucks, maybe I need some medicine…

Think about the money that these 3 people have.

Carlos Slim Helú – $53.5 Bil

William Gates III -$53 Bil

Warren Buffett – $47 Bil

That is $153.5 Bil net worth. Lets put that in perspective. Worlds most expensive plane? Stealth Bomber $1.8 Bil, Most expensive piece of sculpture? Alberto Giacometti’s – Walking Man 1 – priced at $104.3 Million. The average salary of a New York Yankee’s Player? $7 Million. Denver Colorado’s Gross Metropolitan Product last year? $145.6 Bil. These 3 fuckers are worth more than an ENTIRE CITY/COUNTY made last year, and a large city at that. These are just the top 3. So here’s my question? Why the fuck is there poverty in this world? Why is there disease? Why are there wars? Why the hell hasn’t someone built an Iron Man suit? Honestly? Through all of the ridiculous amounts of money that these people have, no one can pay to have the best minds come together and fix shit? Bull. Greed, people, greed.

Well that’s all I have for tonight. I am off to sleep. And props to X, who’s picture idea I totally ripped off, but it makes me laugh. Peep his movie blog here http://bettergeekthannever.wordpress.com/ he’s at least 10 times funnier than I am.

Salutations.

More Ambitions than Goals

So my list of “Things I wanna get done” this year isn’t as big as it usually is. Usually I set so many goals that I can’t accomplish them all in the same year. So instead of setting goals, I will have ambitions. Things I wanna get done, but won’t beat myself up if I don’t get them done.

1.) Lose weight. This is a big one, usually only second to quit smoking. Well still smoke free so now I have no excuse. I don’t wanna lose weight for my health, my blood pressure, cholest, pulse, etc are all optimal. Mostly I want to be able to find cooler clothes, rock T-Shirts that don’t have a large canine on them or some contrite words about being big. I wanna look better naked. Yep. It is purely a physical thing. My friend Jeff said his goal to lose weight was more to gain a penis. I can dig that. Fuck doin stuff cause people think u should. Do it because u wanna do it.

2.) Paint the inside of my house. Because my father and I built my house and kept it as cheap as possible. My entire house is painted “Eggshell” which is the most unintersting color ever. I have this nice big floating wall in my living room and it is perfect for an art project. I am thinking a cave, wave, and oriental theme. Though I may do Master Chief, Arbiter, a Big Daddy, Yoda and Vader. Or possibly even a replica of Bryant-Deney stadium and a huge Crimson Tide banner. Crimson bedroom, blue or green bathroom, maybe even a black room. Who knows. But I need some fuckin color, peoples.
3.) Finish my backyard.
I totally have a concrete fire pit started, need some grass or maybe even rocks instead. Some patio furniture and its cookout time!
4.) go on a real vacation.
Well this one is for sure. First of June, my 2 cousins and I will be flying out for an 8 day stay in San Francisco. I am so excited because this will be a few firsts for me. The first time I have been further west than Memphis, the first time I have been to a metropolitan area. The first time I will be redneck free, surrounded by open minded liberal people. And the first time I will be able to go to a huge art museum (a couple actually). I. Can. Not. Wait!!!

I figure if I get 2 of those done, I am doing good. 3 means I am a master of my own destiny. All 4 could possibly mean that I am a god amongst men. Who’s taking bets?

In the year 2000…

The beginning of 2010 and I find myself reflecting over the last decade. I basically became an adult in the year 2000, but governmental standards. You wanna take a trip down my memory lane, read on. Beware there are definately some potholes and in some places the road ends completely. Lost in a fog of anonymity.

2000 – Became legal, graduated High School. Moved to Florida to pursue a collegiate education. Hated Florida as soon as I got there. Did result in my first vehicle, an 88 Chevy Astro. No people my age, nothing to do except go to pubs and shoot pool.
2001 – moved back to Tennessee, after failing to motivate myself to get in school. Took a job working in Food City’s deli, for which Beefy named me a “Deli Lady”. Quit the Deli, took a job as a line chef at the Double Play Café. Got a job at March of Dimes to collect donations. 9/11 happens and no one wants to give anything. Living at my aunts.
2002 – rarely home, no job, bummed around. Smoked A LOT of pot. Don’t remember much, but I have a few stories. Got a job at a hotel in P Forge.
2003 – gas was killing me, got The Turtle, moved into my boss’s rental house w my room mate/ co-worker Chris, a Wiccan, my first exposure to a non Christian religion.
2004 – first of the year my roomie moves out. Try to keep the place by myself, 3 months of struggling and going to bed hungry a lot, I hang my head and return home to my parents. I failed at my attempt to be an adult. My sister starts work at Nova, tells me how to put in w/ Express Personnel so that I can get one too. Start temp work in August, hired in November. The best part is that this job leads to meeting Stephen, Justin, X (and through him the Hoodies), Got a few peoples jobs there, one led to Phil meeting his future wife Tanielle.
2005 – Got an apartment in Knoxville. Damn place nearly killed me due to the enormous amounts of mold. Kept working. Started dating Lyndsey. Realized quickly that she was nuts, but the sex was good. Dumped her crazy ass the day after Christmas after dropping almost $2000 for a new wardrobe. I got a keyless remote for my car. Cept it was a clearence item because it had no key fobs.
2006 – moved back into my aunt’s house. Started building my house under the masterful eye of my father on weekends and after work. Started dating Erica, whirlwind romance, fueled by my baby loving family (she had a kid). Proposed, original plan for a spring 2k7 wedding. She wants it quicker. Set a date for Dec, move into my parents w/ her and kid to be closer/more available to build the house. Only my dad tells me that I am makin a mistake, I don’t listen to him. Get married. It was honestly the happiest day of my life. Looking back, it would’ve been better to get in a car wreck on the way there.
2007 – wedded bliss turns into constant fighting. The house gets finished, think it’s going to be better in our own space. Gets a little better, then a chasm of Grand Canyon-like size grows between us. Take a second job at the liquor store where my grandparents work. There are days that through over an hour of a car ride, dinner, etc, no words are spoken. She becomes a bitchy roommate. On Fathers day, (which I was celebrating since the kid has been calling me Dada since she could talk) Erica tells me she isn’t sure that she wants to be married. I tell her she can have a month to get her shit together, and spend every one of those nights on the couch. File for divorce, which I pay for. Come home to an empty house. Set on the floor and bawl like a baby. Get repeatedly drunk every night. Drinking more than I eat. Go to other liquor stores so that my grandparents don’t see how much I am drinking. Divorce is final on Oct 11th, my unniversary.
2008 – Drew and Beffry move in. Life is good, gaming, money to spare bc we are all splitting it 3 ways. Meet Haley through my sister. Instantly after her bc she tells my sister that I am too young for her. Beffry cant keep a job, I cover his bills, on numerous promises that he will pay me back. Alas, he decides to be a worthless piece of shit like his parents and leaves, stiffing me with $1800 of debt and my cousin with at least $1000. Drew moves out too.
2009 – Sister and Haley lure me to sisters house under promises of spaghetti, when I get there, Haley hands me a tiny chocolate puppy. He’s an AKC registered mini dachshund. I instantly name him Charlie and I am happier than I have ever been. He grows into Charlie Brown Von Doom Scofield. He is my best friend. (As I write this he is curled up on my leg under the blanket). Haley and I both realize that we aren’t going anywhere and agree to be friends. I can count the times I have talked to her since on 2 hands. I get fired from the liquor store bc it’s ran by a father and son that know less of class than they know of business. Struggle through the rest of the year, experience the birth of my best friend’s first child, the wedding of X and Cootie, and find out that my mom is sick and is permanently disabled.
Now- Who fuckin knows. All I can say is that in 10 years I have experienced every emotion possible, i have been at my happiest and at my lowest, I have been a worthless member of society and a homeowner and registered voter. I am ready for whatever comes. I know that I have good friends and a wonderful family. Nothing is too big.

I will hopefully be able to blog daily this year. I want a record of this year. Hope I entertain you, or make you think outside of your box. As Coolio once said, Come Along And Ride On The Fantastic Voyage.

Until next time true believers…

Still Just a Rat In a Cage

I am generally an angry person. My normal drive to work is riddled with death threats, desires to anally rape peoes grandmothers, and much steering wheel punching. I don’t know why, but when I drive, my car is my pulpit and/or soapbox. I drive a 95 Nissan 200sx (un-fancy Sentra). I bought the car about 7 years ago, some hot little number had put a picture of her and her equally hot 3 sisters (for reals) over the instrument panel. Guess it was her belief that since the car is an automatic, she had no use for a tachometer. Problem was beside the tach are, what my father has raised me to call “Dummy Lights”. The lights that tell you, battery is dead, car is too hot, check engine, or in this case, THERE’S NO FUCKIN OIL IN ME! Oh well, her loss, my gain. $500 for the car, $500 for a used motor, a weekend and BOOM I had a car. I thought it was awesome, cause I totally had an import and all of my friends had imports. Problem? Mine was slow… I mean it’s. 1.6 automatic. Guess I thought it didn’t need a big motor in a small car. WRONG! So I had a green, slow moving car… The only logical step was the self-inflicted nickname of The Turtle. Now everyone, mom, dad, grandparents, etc refer to my car as the Turtle.
Daily I drive the Turtle 1.6 hours of highway driving to get to and from work. The mornings are complete with me raging about the numerous assholes that are put in front of me on a daily basis and talking to my sister on the phone. The afternoons are me white nuckling the steering wheel, gritting my teeth and playing Slayer/Iron Maiden/Black Sabbath/Metallica or the like as LOUD AS POSSIBLE, and just trying to make it home before I snap, and end up hanging out the window swinging a chain as I run others off the road in a Mad Max/Doomsday/Escape From NY hate spree.
My point? I am angry. Constantly angry. Not to the point that I would hurt my family or an animal, but I day dream about hitting certain people with baseball bats. I looked it up. Daydreaming about violence leads to aggression, suicide, etc. Dunno that I agree with that, but it’s out there. I think my problem is that I have lost or have limited contact with the things that make me happy. Money, meaningful relationships, a job with personal contact, social interaction, and music.

Money is the root of all happiness. People that say that money won’t buy happiness are delusional. ANY situation plaguing 85% of people in America can be resolved by money. Bills, debt, shitty job, hunger, shelter, stress, family issues, etc are all remedied by money. The only types of issues that can’t be solved through Bill Gates-like fortunes would be personal illness. And even then, some conspiracy theorist would have us believe that there is a cure for any disease if you have the money. Example? Magic Johnson. Man had had HIV for like 15 years and he hasn’t lost weight nor has the diseaae advanced. Coincidence? Dunno, maybe The HIV virus is a Lakers fan.

Meaningful relationships? Yep, given up on that at this point. Only a few years away from cruising Pilot parking lot late at night lookin for lot lizards. Eww.

My favorite job that I don’t have anymore. I got fired from the liquor store. I refused to let the Boss’s son’s wife push me around and I got shit canned for it. Cunt. I only worked on Fridays and Saturdays, and the money wasn’t a big difference, but it was nice. The biggest thing I enjoyed was the interaction with people. I work in a call center. The most interaction I have is purely vocal, which may easily be misconstrued. Dealing with the public be they dirty old men that stare at the wine girls tits, women that act like their shit doesn’t stink but buy Boones Farm, kids that remind me of myself when I was younger (trying to find that magical booze that will mix with anything, not taste bad, get you fucked up, and cost under $15 for a 1.75 liter), or people that honestly need help, is a wonderful thing. These people you can react to, parlay with, share stories, and smile at. No one is in a bad mood when they go into a liquor store, because they know that in the next 2 hours they will be buzzed or hammered. It made me feel like people actually wanted to interact with me. The people coming in that would call me by name and ask about my dog or life, made me feel good. I hate the bitches that took that away from me.

Social Interaction – I don’t go out. I don’t like crowds, I don’t have single friends to go hang out with. All of my friends are married, have kids, etc. Makes me think of the jail scene in Clerks 2, Randal is explaining why it sucks for him to have Dante leaving. He asks rhetorically, “Who’d wanna be friends with me? I hate everyone and everything seems stupid to me.” That’s basically my point of view, it takes a special type of person to be my friend, and I think I have found all of them. Hahaha.

Music. The fuel of my fire. The stairway to my heaven. My highway to hell. I love music. Nearly all types are accepted, I don’t judge or hate (usually), as long as the lyrics aren’t corny. I can listen to purely instrumental Irish, drum beat, horn or guitar. Jazz, Classical, Operatic, Pubk, Rock, Classic Rock, Garage Rock. Heavy, Hair, Death, Neo, New, Nü, MOTHA FUCKIN, METAL. Makes no difference to me. If I can hear people’s emotions in their songs, I will listen, and probably re-listen again and again. I don’t have access to the music that I used to have bc of my lack of internet. Sigh. I also miss good local rock shows, ska-fest, Warped Tour.

The worst part is I see no way of these things changing. Yay!

Life… Live it, Do it, Fuck it.

When life gives you lemons, say fuck the lemons and bail.

Despite all my rage…

The year in review.

Well we are quickly approaching 2010. Damn this year has flown by. This year has brought changes, some good, some bad, hell even some life shakers. I feel like the last 4 years have went in a blink of an eye. In that time, I met 2 girls, picked one, other girl picked my best friend, I fell in love, got married, accepted a child as my own, best friend and the other girl move away, split, had the child cut outta my life, figured out that love is mostly bullshit, got divorced, realized I picked the wrong girl, congratulated best friend and other girl as they got married, had a couple rebounds, got 2 roommates who needed a place to live, found out other girl and best friend are expecting a baby, met a girl, dug her at first, changed to just goin through the motions, 1 roomie split bc he couldn’t keep a job and would rather run off with another man’s wife (who’s a cunt), said roomie flaked on the nearly Two grand that he owes me, other roomie decided he would rather live at home w/ no bills, suddenly roommate-less, girl flakes, get my new best four legged friend Charlie, break it of with the girl, get fired from the liquor store due to being the only night shifter that wouldnt jam my nose deep in the bosses’ son’s ass, discover Twitter (thank’s Justin even though I gave you shit at first), meet really awesome friends of X, get to know X’s peeps including his wife-to-be, get introduced to Suspiria, be as close to a birth and not be one of the parties involved, hold Jackson within the first hour of his birth, realize I want a kid badly, plod along, go to my first non-christian wedding, instantly like this wedding better(congrats again X and Cootie), learn that my mom is sick, try to process it and decide I can’t, for the first time seriously contemplate harming myself, decide I can’t hurt my family like that, bomb around more, dread the holiday season, do this blog….

Welcome to the now.

See what I am sayin? Try to follow along, hahaha. I guess that’s the definition of roller-coaster life. So lets hope that next year pans out a little more on the positive side.

So here’s what I am thankful for…

1.) My Family. Well most of my family.
My Mother- the woman I compare humanity against.
My Father – who may not have known or shown love, but goddamnit he showed me everything else.
My Sister, who I know I can depend on for anything, be it a ride home, a $20 bill, or just a voice to talk to in the morning on my way to work that for that drive makes me forget I am alone the rest of the time.
My Brother-In-Law who I am a lot alike, which is probably why he gets to my sister so easily, and why she hits him. She learned it from years of having me as a brother.
My Nieces and Nephews – Ethan, Faith, Corbin. They are a handful, and could make a nun cuss, but I would kill for them.
Charlie – for being the welcoming I look forward to seeing every day. And for the fight over bed space all night.
Anthony and Drew – for being like my little brothers instead of cousins and including me even though I am so “old”

2.) My friends -
X, I am glad he found what he was looking for. He suffered through bullshit and I saw it dragging him down, but Cootie was his evolution and they are both such wonderful people.
Cootie, cause you make X the man he is and that man sends me funny e-mails and shit again. For actually being a constant reader of these, my senseless ramblings. Plus we totally made it through that talking skull movie. I sleep now.
The Mafia -before Twitter I didn’t know some of you, and knew not enough about the rest of you. Knowing that at damn near any time (especially you Miliat, I think you are the only person who sleeps less than I do. lol) I can hop on Twitter and have an intelligent conversation, weird internet look-up, get good music suggestions or have a sparklepire dildo discussion.
3.) My Job – you don’t challenge me anymore, but I know you, I am comfortable with you, and you pay my bills (barely). You are my hell and you are my oasis.

Can’t wait to have some drinks, eat some food, and watch football. Sucks ass that I will miss the Iron Bowl, ROLL TIDE!

Love it to those of you who deserve it (see above list), Leave it for the rest of the assholes.

I sleep now.

2 movies that changed my outlook on Religion.

My friend Jeff wrote a blog last night all from a scene in a Kevin Smith movie. The movie is Clerks 2, the scene is Randal’s explanation that he is taking back “Porch Monkey”. Jeff came to such a profound conclusion about taking back things from shitty past relationships. It is brilliant.
It got me thinking about if there has ever been a movie that had such an affect on me. I have seen A LOT of movies, but 2 that changed my outlook on Religion could be said to have had the biggest affect on me. The first is Dogma, by Mr. Kevin Smith. A story about a Catholic woman who has lost her faith in God. She is tapped by Metatron – the voice of God – (awesomely played by Alan Rickman) to prevent 2 banished angels from being forgiven by a little know Catholic dogma (religious law) and thus being able to return to Heaven, proving God is not infallible, and therefore unmaking existence. Theres angels, demons, a rubber shit monster, muses, and Jay and Silent Bob. The movie itself didnt change my thoughts so much, though I love this movie and the scene where Bethany is in the lake screaming at God still gives me goosebumps. What changed my outlook was the fact that Kevin Smith received death threats from Religious fanatics and was boycotted by Catholics everywhere. Now I will get to the insanity of threatening death on someone for making a movie in a second, but first…
Catholics said this movie shows Catholocism in a bad way. How? Well it points out that Catholicism, one of the oldest forms of Christianity, has kinda plodded through the ages making stupid fucking choices and have never been called on it. So someone shines a light on how your organization has made morally bad choices in wars, doctrine, and Reformation. So instead of using that information to show how you are better, you just boycott it. Which shows that you don’t want this seen because it is saying things about you that you have no excuse for. Not that the movie was made to out Catholicism, quite the contrary. Kevin Smith is a Catholic, was raised a Catholic, and his intent was just to make a funny religious satire. Instead, he got DEATH THREATS! Really? How are you by choice following a God who has handed down 10 rules not to break, one being do not kill, yet you will threaten a man for writing a fucking movie? How can you take a movie so seriously, when as Kevin puts it, “There’s a rubber poop demon in it”? The media storm around this really made me step back and look at religion as a whole. I was not raised religiously. We had a family bible, but I never opened it. It wasn’t until high school when my friend Phil took me to his church. At the time that this movie came out (1999) the church was going through changes. A new pastor was in house and he was fired up to raise a bunch of money to make additions to the church. Here’s my thought now, and I have never gotten a satisfactory answer for this. Why does a church, a place of religious learning, need a full size gym, a sky track, pool tables, 500 sq ft offices, and a hotel? Cause the church I belonged to has all of that. Church and therefore religion is big business anymore. People don’t go to Church to feel good anymore, they go out of habit. To me, that means that the religion is lost. And I wanted no part of it. I have not been to a church service since leaving that church.

The second movie that changed me is a documentary put out in 2008 called Religilous. It was written by and stars Bill Maher (political comedian, pretty funny guy). He interviews people from every major religion. Christianity, Catholicism, Mormons, Muslims, Hasidic Jews, Evangelist, etc. If you have not seen this movie, I will give you fair warning. If you in ANY way doubt your religion, don’t watch, because Mr. Maher proves them all wrong. He proves that a majority of the Christian beliefs are identical to the mythology of Ancient Egypt. So why is Egypt’s beliefs mythology and Christianity is sociably acceptable. If I go around and start praying to Ra the Sun God, people are gonna treat me like I am insane. But praise Jesus and no one bats an eye. No one can know for sure what religion, if any, is the correct one. I think about what happens when Buddhism wins out, all of the Christians are just gonna die while the Buddhist all get continually reborn. See what I mean? And Mr. Maher explains all of this so clearly and definately, that there is no way to dance around the subject. I have had people answer my, How do you know your religion is right?, question by saying “you have to have faith” yeah but what if you are wrong. I mean, say the world had only 3 religions. If in the end #1 ends up being correct, then what the hell hapoens to #s 2&3? By Christian beliefs, if you don’t accept Jesus as your saviour, no Heaven for you. So all of the Amazonian, African, or Aboriginal tribes that no one has ever infiltrated all are just going to automatically burn? What about a toddler that dies? He never said the words, he burns. In a country where you are killed if you practice Christianity, oh well, down into the put with you. See my problem with that? There are too many fucking variables for one religion to be right. Maybe there is no God, Gods, Goddesses, or Messiahs. Maybe nothing happens when you die. That kinda sucks though. We arent on this world long enough, for it to just be over when our heart stops. It makes me think of the guy in The Mummy, who has all of the different religious symbols on many necklaces around his neck at the same time, and when the Mummy approaches him he begins to pray to each one. It saved him, maybe it would work for the rest of us. Until someone can prove to me who is right, I will continue the path that I am on. Be a good person, don’t maliciously fuck anyone over, and don’t kill people. I figure that way, no religion can hold anything against me. Though there is always that little suprise that throws you for a loop (X and Cootie proclaim this is the Goddess of Chaos Eris, seems like a sane explaination), so who knows, maybe all the religions are wrong and the end of the world will be due to a Zombie outbreak.

One can only have faith…